Me and Christmas have never gotten along that well. It stems from the fact that I was raised in a religion that celebrates none of the holidays celebrated by society at large. Christmas chief among those. I’m not going to go into all of that mess however. But it is important to know that I didn’t really celebrate Christmas in the secular gift-giving way until I was in college.
So fast forward 10 to 12 years. The economy and several unexpected disasters including 2 months of unemployment and having to buy a newer car at the beginning of the year have landed me in a place where my wife and I have decided that in order to give our children a proper Christmas we cannot get gifts for one another.
This as we used to say in college sucks big.
To my wife’s credit she assured me that although I am the sole provider for the family financially that this in no way reflects on her opinion of me. I work hard, and in spite of that this year has been more difficult for our family financially than many others. I, of course see it as a failing.
However hard that pill is to swallow, that isn’t the issue that is weighing on my mind. It’s my own selfishness that is causing me the most distress and general sense of gloom. To put it as sharply and bluntly as I can, I want presents.
It’s sad and not very grown up of me. I know that, and it makes me feel terribly selfish and juvenile to realize that about myself. I am not going to be recieving gifts from anyone except from my wonderful in-laws. And while I know that as a almost 35 year old man, that should be good enough I still really want presents from the person that knows me best, that isn’t just picking from a list provided by someone else. Please understand that I love and respect my in-laws they are truly some of the best people I know and they have been wonderful to me and my family for the entire course of my marriage and it is not that I don’t appreciate the gifts I do receive from them. Because I absolutely do. It just doesn’t feel the same…. and part of me knows it’s just because it is human nature to want what you know you cannot have. It’s childish and selfish of me, and I know it and I feel terrible that I can’t just tell that inner 10 year old boy to shut his freaking trap and have him listen.
It doesn’t help that my marriage has been very rocky in recent months and while I know that things are getting better, I want to be able to give my wife something for Christmas. I know that presents aren’t a big deal to her, they never have been. But they are a big deal to me, both in the giving and the receiving. It bothers me to think that I am for the first time in almost 6 years of marriage not going to be able to see the look on my wife’s face when she opens a gift from me and it’s not something that she would have expected from me. That is a Christmas gift you can’t buy in stores.
I suppose the easy thing to do would be to blame my childhood, and not accept responsibility for the fact that I am an adult now and should as the Bible puts it “…put away childish things…” . But I cannot allow myself that luxury any more, I have made a decision to lead my family in a more Christ-like manner and Jesus led through sacrifice and if this is the sacrifice I have to make this holiday season so be it.
I’ll just have to look for a “priceless” gift for my wife. I love her enough to find it. Of that I am sure.
